How To Not Murder Your Family This Week
My daughter saved me with four words recently, and I want to pass them on to you in case they help you through a stressful week.
Last week she had nightly tech rehearsals, then multiple weekend performances as Olaf in the musical Frozen.
She was incredibly funny and charming in her role. But this isn’t a story about her brilliant onstage presence or how satisfying it is to watch your kid pursue their passions. It’s a story about the ways we handle those moments in life that make us want to bang our heads against walls (or maybe the moments we fantasize about banging other people’s heads against walls.)
You see, my blood pressure has been through the roof driving across our medium-sized town at peak traffic hours to get her to the theater where she performs on time.
Lots of cars on the road during rush hour I can accept, but the person in front of me driving slowly for no apparent reason at all? That gets me hot and seethy.
I was having one of my meltdown moments on Wednesday, fuming over “bad driving” that was impeding our way and “making us late,” when my daughter put her hand on my arm.
“Mom. Try to be curious, not judgmental.”
I burst out laughing hearing this unexpected bit of pop psychology coming through my eleven-year-old.
“Uh, okay.” I shook my head and took a deep breath. “I wonder… what’s making this person in front of me drive so slowly?”
The instant I formed the question and my brain began scrambling for answers, it became impossible to simultaneously rant, “Ugh, crappy drivers! Never considering the people driving behind them!”
I considered that person in front of me might be unsure of where they were headed, or perhaps having a complex conversation while driving. Or, sure, maybe they were on their cell phone, but even then, I could be curious about what might be pulling their attention so much it became harder to focus on the road.
All of our brains get stuck in evaluation mode—judging whether something is good or bad, whether we like something or hate it, and generally having opinions about how everything and everyone around us should be different to make our lives easier.
However, while that “judging mind” has its place in our lives, it can also make it hard to access our wisest selves. I fall into a loop of thinking, “Everyone else is the problem, and I have all the solutions. If they would only behave according to the rules set forth in my extremely detailed Behavior Manual, life would be so much better!”
Judgment can shut me down and turn my life into an unpleasant game called “Me vs. The World That Hates Me And Is Out to Ruin My Life.”
On the other hand, when I ask a question and get curious instead, my perpetual assumption spigot turns off, and I’m suddenly open to new possibilities and perspectives I hadn’t considered. I more easily access my compassion and start to rehumanize others I’d been unintentionally “othering.”
So, this week, whether it’s your kids getting on your last nerve (inevitable), your in-laws’ perpetual nags, the self-important airport gate agent telling you there’s no room for your bag on the plane THOUGH THERE CLEARLY IS, try finding some curiosity:
I wonder what’s making this hard for them right now?
I wonder what I could say that would be useful in this moment?
I wonder how I could handle this in a way that aligns with my values?
I’d love to hear if you try practicing curiosity instead of judgment this week. And if it feels hard (which it certainly might!), maybe try more curiosity, asking yourself how you might practice gentleness instead of self-judgment…
P.S. After a week of rain, I ran outside on Sunday morning! It was glorious, and I practiced making a long gratitude chain as I went. So grateful for the shoes that protected my feet while I ran, and to whomever crafted the magic foam that absorbed the shock of each step. Grateful for the sidewalk that invites so many my neighbors to step out and stroll, the technological magic of running pants that keep my legs from getting too cold in the just-turning-to-winter morning chill.
Have you tried a gratitude chain yet? If you’re celebrating Thanksgiving this week, you could try one for your turkey, the pumpkin pie, or even for the home you’re gathering in. Read more about it in this post:
P.P.S It’s been 726 hours since we left Paris. I know because my kooky son set a stopwatch when we left Charles de Gaulle Airport. I am still thinking about her every day, wondering what she’s up to, who she’s seeing now. It’s like a bad break-up, y’all, and I’m struggling to get over it.
That was quite a profound comment from Lyra. This made me think about something from my teaching days at the JCC. We had a consultant who worked with us periodically from Jewish Family services. She was there to help us with children that had difficult behavior issues or needed extra support for some reason. Her approach with the teachers was to encourage us to ponder (be curious about) the underlying reasons for the behavior. Her exact phrase to us was, "I wonder why......."(Johnny needs to always jump on other children, for example) Maybe Lyra is on her way to being a psychologist!
Kids can teach us adults a lot of helpful lessons if we’re open to listening. I taught six grade for a few years, so I feel like I can say this and back it up with real experience!