I hit a goal last week!
It was a pretty basic one: “Strength train three times for 20-30 minutes.” Not exactly a marathon or writing 8,000 words of my book, but a solid achievement for a busy summer week.
The weird thing is, just as I was about to dive into my “Yessss! I’m so amazing!” celebratory happy dance, I stopped short.
I wanted to feel proud when I saw I’d achieved my goal. But instead I felt… conflicted.
You see, I’ve always loved a good goal. I see the word “challenge” and my spine starts tingling.
I’ve also, to my detriment, had the habit of making the achieving or non-achieving of goals into convoluted equations that add up to my worthiness. (Enneagram 3 here!)
I’ve spent quite a bit of time in the last year working hard to decouple my worth from my deeds. I’ve come to realize that I can feel joy or pride or confidence whenever I choose to. I get to love myself no matter what, which feels amazing.
But if all that is true, then what’s the difference between hitting a goal and not hitting it?
If I’m not going to beat myself for strength training only twice a week, or zero times a week, because I’m fully worthy of love no matter what, and if worthiness is no longer a badge I’m earning with my weekly to-do list, then with what can I award myself when I do do the thing?
If there aren’t any sticks, is it just carrot or carrot? I don’t have all the answers here, but I do know that I still get to feel however I want. And the way I want to feel is proud.
Proud of the small choices I made each day that enabled me to show up for the strength training—sticking to a bedtime and a wake-up time, putting it on the calendar, pushing play on the workout even on days I didn’t want to. Proud of taking action from thoughts that come from love (I love having the opportunity to move my body and get stronger!), rather than thoughts that come from fear (I have to workout or I’ll be a lazy, weak failure!).
I also want to feel excited! Excited to see how far I’ve come in my journey to get off the self-worth-gold-star hamster wheel I’ve been on as long as I can remember.
Excited to feel weirdly ambivalent when I’ve achieved a goal. Because I’m finally trusting that I’ll love myself either way.
I keep re-reading this and thinking how part of letting go of hustle and productivity as a measure of our worth includes creating a new way to measure what matters to us and how we feel about it... rich stuff to explore!