What is your favorite question?
And, do you talk to yourself?
Hello to all readers, both brand-new this week as well as our more veteran Experimenteers!
It’s been a very experiment-y January so far! We’ve covered:
an experiment to uncover the AWE that might be found in the mundane waiting in-between times of life
People who know me irl can tell you that I talk to myself a lot. Maybe you do, too? I heard a lot of questions when I was eavesdropping on myself the other day, which was the inspiration for today’s post!
BUT before the post, an exciting announcement! Living the In-between Times is going to have it’s very first workshop! ONLY there’s no work involved, so you are so cordially invited to…
A Living the In-Between Times WONDERSHOP: Transforming Life’s In-Between Times from Ugh! to Yess! | Wednesday, January 31 11:45-12:00 pm PST
Mark your calendars, cause we’re gonna put our heads together for 15 whole minutes to ponder how we can make the in-between times of our lives—those fleeting moments spent coming, going, waiting, getting, giving, schlepping—full of juicy loveliness and delight! (And it’s 15 minutes, ‘cause nobody’s got an hour for another Zoom call!)
More details soon, but, seriously, put it on your calendar because I want to see your shining face there!
Good morning, friends!
Sending a hug and a high-five to you, wherever you sit, stand, lie, walk, or ride as you open this. And, in case you need to hear it today: you’re doing a great job.
I’m personally still in a re-orientation period over here, with the kids starting up new after-school schedules, a fresh raft of work deadlines to keep my eye on and, oh hey, you know that spring break / summer / next fall is right around the corner, so you better hurry-up-and-decide-everything-now, or all the good choices are gonna be booked up, right?!
I’ll pause here to get an AMEN from fellow mamas out there dealing with the cuckoo-inducing craze of signing kids up for camp and trying to plan out the whole summer when we’re not even halfway through winter! I know my mom wasn’t doing any of this stuff in the 80s. What gives, America?
Speaking of questions that puzzle me, I’ve been pondering questions in general lately. The ones that come up in the in-between times of my life. The ones that seem to serve me and the ones that definitely don’t.
Why did I do this thing? Why didn’t I do that other thing?
Why did he/she/they do it that way? Why doesn’t he/she just… instead?
And, always: Why is everything taking so long???
Although these are the go-to questions my brain tends to ask, I don’t find them particularly useful. Because beneath each of these question lies:
judgment about how I or someone else should be
resistance to things as they are
a perfectionist fantasy, that I’d somehow finally achieve a perfect destination called “happiness” if circumstances (mostly other people’s behaviors!) were different.
Questions like, Why does my mom always ask me that?, or, Why can’t my kid get his homework done without me sitting right on top of him? might sound like practicing curiosity and problem-solving, but they usually aren’t.
They’re just judgment, blame, or complaining tied up in a pretty bow of a question. (Not to mention a narcissistic power-trip that presumes all choices and behaviors in the world should conform to one’s own preferences and comfort!)
So, In-Between-ers, I’m in search of better questions! Ones I can sub out for the annoying blame-y ones I’ve got on repeat. Here are a few I’ve come up with so far, but hit me up if you have other favorites!
What was I thinking when I did/failed to do X? Or, What could she/he/they have been thinking when they made that choice?
This question feels more genuinely curious and constructive. Mulling over the thoughts that lead us into action or inaction can empower us to experiment further and to uncover helpful insight.
What could I be missing here?
Thanks to
for highlighting this one in his superb newsletter this week. I’d love to ask the Universe, “What am I missing?” about all sorts of situations in my life at the moment, and listen for new angles I’m probably missing!Anything else?
I absolutely adore this question. I first learned it when training in Nonviolent Communication, though I know Michael Bungay Stanier talks about it in his work, as well. One teacher I worked with suggested using it a minimum of three times when working through the process of trying to really hear and understand another person’s experience. Opening yourself up to hearing more and holding space for the entirety of an experience can be powerful.
I’m excited to keep eavesdropping and refining the questions I ask myself in my in-between times and discover what shifts for me!
What are YOUR favorite questions? To ask yourself, or another person?
I like any question that begins with "How might I...?"
No "shoulds" or "musts" or "will"... Just opening to possibilities.
I like those new questions - they would def help me be less judgmental which is my default mode 🥴 thanks for sharing these more gracious qs!