Judgment Was Sucking My Life Dry. Could I Break Free?

Experiment #18: Judgment-Free February

Before I jump into today’s experiment, I wanted to let you know I was profiled for the series Mothers Who Make on Heidi Fiedler’s brilliant substack for creative moms, Nebula Notebook! She asked some really fun questions and got me thinking deep. Check it out below, and also check out the awesome book club she’s hosting on the intersection of creativity and Oliver Burkeman’s 4,000 Weeks.

Marika Páez Wiesen: Writing in the Notes App

And now, this month’s experiment…

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It all started on typical afternoon in early February.

My 13 year-old came home from school and headed straight to play video games. I sat on the couch scrolling Substack with my running shoes on, intending to go out for a run. As the afternoon ticked on—3:30 turning to 4:00, then creeping closer to 4:30—I felt annoyance edge in. My kid needed to start his homework; I needed to get out on my run.

I shot him a text. No response. I stayed glued to the couch, finger scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.

We were each locked in our own dopamine stupors. Finally, at 4:43, I sighed heavily and ripped myself off the couch. I dashed off another text with multiple exclamation points and the words RIGHT NOW, then took off jogging down the street. My was jaw tight and my shoulders clenched as I eyed the sun dropping low in the sky.

Ugh! I should have started this run 20 minutes ago! And why can‘t that kid ever get started on his homework earlier?

I tried to name what I felt: Aggravated with my son. Disgusted with myself. Judgment.

Judgment is a Vampire

While judgment is very human—our brains gotta keep us alive—my judgment in this moment wasn’t particularly helpful. It wasn’t helping me motivate my kid, or helping us organize our time better, or supporting me to be a better problem-solver or more kind.

If anything, my judgment was an obstruction. The longer I swirled in it, the worse I felt. Negativity, shame, and frustration twisted into a nasty cloud that followed me down the street as I ran.

My judgmental thoughts were also incredibly sticky. I noticed how hard it seemed to put the brakes on the loop of, He’s wrong. I’m bad. He’s wrong. I’m bad, though simmering in that stew only seemed to make me feel more shitty, more pessimistic, and less motivated to take concrete, problem-solving action.

That afternoon of double judgment—critically judging myself and my kid—opened my eyes. Excessive, unhelpful judging was sucking away my creativity, my compassion, and my capacity and potential to bring more good stuff into the world.

I wondered: What would it be like to be free?

Going Judgment-Free

We were just a few days into the month, and Dry January had just gotten a lot of hype. I wondered, What if I tried to go Judgment-Free for February?

Not that I was deluded enough to think I could truly rid myself all judgmental thoughts. I know judgment is hardwired into our brains. But surely I could become more aware of judgment as it arrived? Learn to slow it down a bit before it became a run-away train that derailed into unhinged texts to my kid? If I could manage that, it would be enough freedom for me.

But, in order to go Jugment-Free, I needed to figure out how to do three things:

• notice the judgment

• transform the judgment

• release the judgment

Phase 1: Notice the Ugh

The first challenge was to notice when I was judging, which is a lot harder than it sounds. It turns out I’ve been like a fish in water, swimming obliviously in the roughly 96% of my daily thoughts that are about how my life is either good, bad or should be different:

I should have woken up earlier.

It’s too cold in here.

I hate having to wake the kids up several times, they should get up on their own.

My husband should help me get them up.

He/she shouldn’t be so grumpy.

I shouldn’t have to do so much work every morning to get everyone out the door.

My judgments go on and on. They’re whiny and petty as hell when they’re all written out. While I think of myself as an averagely nice person, my sample size of one suggests that the averagely nice person sadly spends the majority of life bitching about herself, the people around her, and the world in general.

Even now, while writing this, I’m thinking, I should have started this sooner. I should try to make this more engaging. Readers will probably think this is boring and obvious.

Photo by Jakayla Toney on Unsplash

It can be hard to notice something we’re doing all. the. time. But I realized after a day or two that words are not generally how my judgment shows up. Rather, my judgment arrives as a flash of negative feeling that feels like a big, fat UGH! in my brain.

Ugh! That’s annoying. Ugh! I shouldn’t do that again. Ugh!

Once I started tuning into the ughs, I couldn’t stop hearing them. There were some bodily cues as well–my tight jaw, tense shoulders–as well as some recurring feelings–frustration, impatience, and a feeling I hadn’t previously recognized but am coming to understand is… disgust.

Side note: I’ve always questioned why Disgust was included as a character in the movie Inside Out. Was it really a core emotion? But as I’ve tracked my judgment these past few weeks, I’ve realized that disgust—as defined as that flash of ugh I feel when I’m judging myself or someone else—is something I absolutely do feel every day. Probably more often than anger, sadness, and, sadly, maybe even joy.¹

Phase 2: Transform the Ugh with a Because

Once I finally tuned into my ever-present ugh’s, it was hard not to judge them. The first few days, I’d feel an ugh and immediately think, Well, that’s not good; I definitely shouldn’t be thinking that! But that response wasn’t especially useful, as it just shoved me back into a negative judgment cycle.

After experimenting a bit, I realized that I could steer free of the judgment loop by first simply acknowledging my judgment:

I notice some judgment coming up…

Then, instead of attempting some kind of violent personality surgery in order to try to eradicate all negative judgment (which would never work, anyway), I learned I could transform the ugh and make it a bit less “sticky” by gently investigating it—using a single, badass word: because.

Judgment is coming up right now because…

The cool thing is that this “because” nearly always points to one of my deepest values, or to a need that’s going unmet. (You can find a list of basic human needs here and a list of values here.)

• Because I’m needing peace, I wish I’d gotten up earlier.

• Because I’m craving comfort and ease, I wish it were warmer.

• Because I value cooperation and collaboration, I wish the family would take more responsibility for getting school on time.

Naming and giving voice to these desires and values feels drastically different in my body, brain, heart than my grousing, catty judgments. Listen to the difference:

He’s so selfish.
vs.
I’m wanting to feel more connection and collaboration.

I’m so lazy and unproductive.
vs.
I really value accomplishment and making progress on my goals.

Acknowledging my needs and values is empowering. Once I know a need or my value, I can go about fulfilling it, either by meeting it myself, or by inviting someone else to help me. I can make positive forward momentum, instead of staying stuck spinning in everything that’s “wrong.”

Of course, not every judgment needs to be transformed. But when a judgment feels particularly “sticky”—keeps returning or seems hard to let go of—it makes some sense to take a look at what’s underneath, what needs or values are asking to be recognized.

Phase 3: Step off the Train

This experiment began with a flash of judgment: Ugh, my kid should have started his homework by now. Ugh, I waste so much time.

Our judgment has one aim: to keep us alive, which means keeping us “safe”—physically, psychologically, socially. I guess subconsciously, I’m hoping that judging myself or my kid will keep us both safe—feeling worthy or socially accepted. Rationally, I can see it’s ridiculous, but these impulses and conditioning run deep.

I’ve found the easiest way to deal with unhelpful thoughts is by using a train station analogy where I think of thoughts and impulses like trains coming through a station. I might not be able to stop them arriving, but that doesn’t mean I have to hop on and take a ride.

Photo by Victor Li on Unsplash

As I’ve watched judgment after judgment pull up this month, I’ve practiced stepping off the train as soon as I remember that I don’t need to ride the judgment train, that my worthiness is inherent, that my power lies in seeing judgment for what it is: not The Truth, but rather, my brain’s sweet attempt to keep me safe and alive.

Working on going judgment-free this month has helped me see that that every minute spent rolling my eyes, shaking my head, or tossing out harsh verdicts of others or myself, is a minute spent hardening my heart instead of softening it, disconnecting myself instead of reaching for connection.

This challenge has helped me remember where my true strength lies. Not in rejection and othering but in wisdom, self-kindness, and taking values-led action.

I have so much more to say about how this experiment is impacting my creativity, my parenting, my citizenship in the world, but this post is getting long, and I had an idea…

Want to join me for a Judgment-Free Sprint?

I’m hosting a Judgment-Free Sprint for my subscribers the last 5 days of February! To participate, just sign up for the free option on my newsletter (below). I’ll send out a cheat sheet and tracker to everyone on my list this Saturday so you’re all set for Monday, February 24.

Then, Monday through Friday, we’ll sprint together. I’ll write a short launch post on Monday where you can comment on how it’s going, and I’ll also host a daily chat where we can share challenges and successes.

And, if you’re maybe thinking—Well, actually I need to judge right now because there are a lot of terrible things happening—I feel you. But this challenge is still for you, because not all judgment is the same. We can keep the ones that are useful, and work on the ones that don’t serve us, keep us stuck in negativity, and aren’t leading us closer to who we want to be in the world.

What do you think you will learn going “judgment-free”?

1. When I wrote this it made me sad. Then I immediately felt happy because the only way I’ll be able to fix this statistic is by becoming aware of it, and now I am, so… yay?