So Glad to Be Mad

Making Anger Into An Ally

I got mad last week. And for the first time in my life, I was really, really glad. 

I did not grow up feeling comfortable with anger. I can’t remember anyone in my life ever encouraging me to feel angry, or telling me it was okay to feel angry. My experiences with angry people definitely weren’t good. So if I did feel angry, I rarely let myself express it. 

When I had a problem with someone else’s actions? I had all kinds of avoidant strategies. Look inside yourself and figure out how the situation is really your own fault! Or, get out your magical shrinking machine, so you can tell yourself this issue isn’t such a big deal! Or, my favorite, pull out your your vast library of excuses and find the one the one that explains away the other person’s responsibility!

When I felt a tight stab of anger coming on, I got straight to work—shrinking, boxing up, squashing, excusing or wishing it away. Basically, doing anything I could to avoid looking that anger straight in the face, staying with its raw heat, and, perhaps, learning something from it.

Photo by Andrea Cassani on Unsplash

No, I didn’t think of anger as wise or having anything important to offer. Quite the opposite, I judged angry people as having lost touch with their humanity and perspective. Can’t they see the big picture? I’d think. There’s no need to be angry when, with just a little effort, one can just as easily feel forgiveness, or compassion, or peace. 

Then, I started reading more about emotions. I learned that emotions are designed to give us information about actions we might take. They aren’t for “thinking about,” but rather, for trying to get us into motion. They are designed to move through us and leave. It seems so obvious, but I’d never considered the word’s etymology: the Latin emovere, which means “move out,” “move away,” or “remove.”

Every emotion has an reciprocal action it is calling for. And the action anger calls for is change.

Anger is our natural human response to perceived injustice, and when we’re in touch with it, it can help us set boundaries for our physical and emotional safety.

Here’s how emotion experts Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin describe it:

Anger is connected to our life force. It arises because something matters to us. Anger acknowledges that what we feel, think, and want is important, and it provides the energy for us to take action.

Anger comes up when we want something we’re not getting, as well as when we get something we don’t want.¹

When I felt that flash of hot anger last week, it was definitely about wanting something I wasn’t getting.

At first, I caught my brain going back to its old tricks. I thought, “I’m not allowed to be mad at this person I care about. I don’t want them to feel bad.” But then I remembered what I’d learned about anger and it's correllated action.

If anger is about change, as opposed to making someone else feel bad, what does this anger show me I want changed?

I knew immediately what I needed to express.

I was angry because I wanted something handled differently. I was disappointed in the current outcome. I hadn’t been paying enough attention to my needs. If I had been more in touch with them, and expressed them more clearly and earlier, this situation probably could have been avoided.

This anger was a gift and an opportunity. I could express my feelings, request a change, and take responsibility for the part I played in the outcome.

I fired off a text doing just that. The other person texted back they understood and took responsibility for their part, agreeing to the change.

Then I got up, feeling the anger moving on, draining from my body. I felt lighter, and more glad for my mad than I’d ever been before. 

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Thanks for reading today! I’d love to hear: Have you ever been glad to be mad? How would you characterize your relationship to anger?

1. from Embracing Shame: How to Stop Resisting Shame & Turn It Into a Powerful Ally by Bret Lyon & Seila Rubin