This week my post, The Grief Gift, is being featured on a blog about grief my friend Margo Fowkes runs called Salt Water. Margo’s writing is incredibly thoughtful. Check it out!
If you don’t remember The Grief Gift, it’s the piece I wrote about how my friend supported me after the stillbirth of our first child.
I got to thinking more about loss this week after listening to Kelly Corrigan (my literary #girlcrush) interview Jonathan Fields on The Good Life Project podcast. Lots of juicy topics, but one especially thought-provoking one was the idea that when you’ve lost something big, or are on the precipice of loss, you get helpful clarity around what you’re “owed” in this life.
And what you’re owed, when it all comes down to it, is squat.
Uncomfortable, sad things will happen to me and you, because uncomfortable, sad things happen to all humans. You really get this when the Universe smacks you in the face with a hard, sad thing and you think, Why me?
Why any of us? While you’re pondering that, it dawns on you that a day ago, a month ago, a year ago, it wasn’t you. It was somebody else’s turn.
And the merry-go-round of life hurls suddenly into hyperfocus, and, right there, in the deepest grief of your life, you’re unexpectedly, wildly grateful. For all the moments that weren’t this shitty, painful moment. Surely, we didn’t “deserve” those laughing so hard we almost wet our pants moments, the beauty so outrageous we bawled our eyes out beautiful moments, the stupidly mundane contentment we felt snuggled on the couch with a blanket last Saturday night...
Corrigan floated a theory that maybe we’re paying for all of our sublime times with our grief times. I don’t know about that, but I do think there is a kind of accounting, a cosmic balance sheet we’re all living with. A favorite teacher of mine, Brooke Castillo, calls it the 50/50 of life, but the concept feels rooted further back in Eastern philosophy.
The idea is that in life we get a pile of moments. 50% of them will feel great and 50% will feel yuck.
Of course, we think we can and should somehow game the system so that we can feel great all the time. Maybe with some positive thinking and a job switch I could wiggle it up to something more like 60/40! Or 80/20?! Sadly, I’ve learned through hard experience that resisting the yuck, thinking, “This shouldn’t be happening,” is when we suffer most. (This I know is a Buddhist teaching.)
The best we can do is to accept that 50/50 is the deal we get in this lifetime. Enjoy the crap out of the great stuff; look for the growth and meaning in the yuck stuff.
When our first baby died at 36 weeks gestation, we were furious and heartbroken. But Life didn’t drop that on us and stop there. It kept going, with countless moments of grace, even amidst all of the misery. 50/50.
This holiday season, I’m reminding myself to embrace the 50/50. It’s not gonna be all joy and Christmas cookies with sugar sprinkles. There’s gonna be some exasperation, some disappointment, and maybe a little sadness. I can relish the sweet and accept the rest.
Somehow, acknowledging that ahead of time brings me peace.
P.S. How is it going with 20-minutes-from-now You? The holiday season is a great time to experiment! Here’s the one we’re trying this month. Join us, and share what you’re discovering!
This is such an important and good reminder. Thank for sharing, Marika! ❤️
Very thought provoking and thoughtful post. I just listened to an interview on happiness where the speaker said there is no happy, only happier-ness. Thank you for the reminder that darkness and light can co-exist.