The One Family Rule That Makes Everything Work
Tackling the In-Between Times of Parenting
Did I say “WORK”? Yes, raising a family is work. So is your job. So is trying to accomplish those creative dreams you have on the side. They can all be “work” and our relationship to work can be… complicated. Which is why I’m excited to put our heads together for a 15-minute a WONDER✨SHOP that helps us overcome the stress and overwhelm of work’s in between times!
March 13th at Noon. It’ll be FUN! It’ll be full of practical and playful takeaways! It’ll be fast (only 15 minutes long)!
Okay, back to today’s newsletter. I’m starting an occasional feature in this newsletter I’m calling, “Tackling the In-Between Times of Parenting.” It will offer my take on some of the issues I often explore with clients in my coaching practice, handling the day-in-day-out challenges of the in-between times of parenting, I’d love to hear what you think!
Today, I want to talk about how one simple shift in our house launched our family from a frustrating cycle of commands and defiance into an energy of collaboration, and, ultimately, kickstarted a culture of family teamwork.
It started with one simple rule.
Every family member is required to make requests instead of demands.
We define a request as asking politely for what we need or would like to happen. Which sounds very simple. But in practice, can be awfully hard.
We started this rule when our kids were young and we were desperate to head off the endless screeching of toddler demands.
I’m thirsty! I want water! Stop it! This is too spicy! I want more bread! I can’t find my shoes!
These demands were often met by equally grumpy, resentful grown-up responses.
Stop whining! Stop fighting! Eat the other things on your plate! Did you look under the bench?!
When we started using this rule, we began countering tiny tyrant demands with, “Was that a request?” and behold, the tone in the house change dramatically.
Could I please have some water?
Sibling, could you please stop doing that?
Can you help me find my shoes?
Aaaah. The dulcet hum of respectful communication, so rarely visited upon the households of young children!
But, the rubber really started to hit the road on that fateful day when the kids decided to turn the rule back onto the grown-ups.
It was probably dinner time. My husband was probably telling my daughter to eat her vegetables, or use her fork instead of her fingers, or to stop kicking the table. And she stopped, looked him in the eye, and asked him to please make a request.
As you may have surmised, dear reader, making requests of one’s children can feel downright scary. We want our kids to be compliant, cooperative. Why would we risk turning our kids into entitled jerks and losing our own sanity by rephrasing, “Time to take out the garbage!” as a request, “Hey, would you be willing to to take the garbage out when you’re done with that?” opening ourselves up to the possibility of hearing that dreaded response, “No.”?
I don’t know any parent who likes hearing their child say, “No.”
Parenting is hard enough without our kids ignoring our needs or seeming to actively be making life harder for us.
But… here’s the interesting thing. Most kids will say “no” (either explicitly or implicitly) at some point or another, whether we issue decrees and commands or make requests. As parents, we have to hear and deal with “no”s either way.
Getting a “no” to a request in our house isn’t the end of the conversation, but rather, just the beginning. Sometimes I imagine “no” as the tip of an iceberg, often with several unexpressed feelings and needs underneath.
If, as parents, we choose only to address the tip of the iceberg, focusing solely on the rudeness or unhelpfulness of the child’s “no,” we can miss out on a chance to bring some empathy to the conversation, or a chance to learn something new about our kids. We also miss a chance to do crucial work in supporting them to become a person who experiences resistance to a task, yet figures out how do the thing anyway, an important skill for all humans to have.
Of course, the garbage still needs to go out! But, might it be possible to practice both empathy and supervision of home sanitation?
Sometimes just getting the empathy, feeling heard, is enough to help a kid go from no to a yes. I’m gonna put aside the matter of the overflowing garbage for a minute. Tell me a little more about what’s going on for you. Are you feeling tired because you didn’t sleep great last night? Are you just wanting to relax this morning?
I am just as often wrong about the reasons my kids are saying no as I am right. Sometimes they’ll admit they’re saying no out of some anxiety I hadn’t known about, or out of some misinformation that needs to be cleared up.
Sometimes it takes exploring a bit more. I’ll ask, “What feels hard about what I’m asking? What’s making it hard to say yes?” When I get curious, I get a chance to understand my kids better and, more importantly, help them understand themselves better.
When I ask if my daughter will pick up her room before a friend comes over, and she responds negatively, I move in closer. Maybe she’s overwhelmed because the task is too big, and we need to break it down a bit. Okay, what about picking everything off the floor and pulling the covers up on your bed?
Maybe she needs more autonomy around when she starts the task. If I’m able to give her that in the moment, I might say, Would it work for you to clean up in 10 or 15 minutes when you’re finished a bit more of your game?
And, sure, sometimes it’s just, “Do this thing that I ask you to now. Because I said so.” Collaborative conversations can be a lot of work, and are definitely reserved for times when I’m feeling well-resourced personally—well-rested, unhurried, not stressed.
I’m not sharing this rule with y’all today to pile on with the all-too-prevalent, picture-perfect, get-it-all-right parenting advice, but, instead, because I know when I parent by my values—connection, collaboration—I feel better about parenting and about myself. I can’t always do it, but it always feels rewarding to try.
And, surprisingly, making space to hear “no”s in our house has worked a kind of opposite-day magic, where it seems like my requests are much more likely to be met with “yes” or “okay” than the frenzied commands I issue from the kitchen counter or bottom of the stairs. Maybe because when I make a request, they feel respected, or like they have a measure of autonomy.
Ultimately, when I take the time to make a request instead of demanding compliance, to get curious about the “no”s, and listen for my kids’ concerns, I find myself in conversation with kids who are much more invested in listening to my own concerns, and who understand themselves and others more deeply.
And, when I manage all that, I can go from the agony of getting a “no” to the satisfaction of a parenting in-between time well spent.
Parenting Content that’s Worth Your Time
Y’all, I spend way too much time reading parenting content. (I guess as a parenting coach, it’s part of my job!) Here’s the best of the best I’ve seen lately:
On Control
’s interview on Tilt Parenting Podcast was 🔥🔥! You should absolutely subscribe to her Substack . She wrote a book on autonomy-supportive parenting that I’m waiting for my copy of, and this piece she wrote on holding space instead of trying to control her daughter’s experience during a distressful moment is the Modern Momming Moment we ALL need to be reading and talking about right now!!On Rules
This thoughtful, engaging post on the connection between rules and relationship. by
over on was fantastic. “If we want our kids to listen to us and learn from us, we should also communicate our love and respect for them.”On Surviving vs. Thriving
I’m loving
’s newsletter (great name!) and her most recent post on the false choice between Surviving and Thriving as a mom busts up perfectionist all-or-nothing mindsets like a ninja!
One thing that my Mom did growing up was treat us boys like grown-ups for most things. Even at 5 if there was a "rule" in the house it applied to everyone. And reasons were given for things that we had questions for.
I think teaching respect that way has smoothed a lot of interactions for me as an adult but it does end up with me acting more like a kid than an "adult" at 39 since it's ok to act silly sometimes when all the work is done.
My mind went straight to the request we ask of the kids to do their dinner chores. 😄
By the way, I love the little bit at the end where you highlight some good reads.