Oh my goodness, YOU ARE MY PEOPLE! Thank you for hosting this conversation, Marika. I found so much wisdom in all these layered, very human answers. It's also really comforting to know we're all muddling through together, doing our best to apply these ideas to our lives in small, imperfect ways.
Yes! That's just it. We're the muddler-through-ers! It's so fun to read all the responses all together. And yes, to see that we're all always making some progress then sliding back a bit... beginning by accepting defeat.😉
Marika, this is wonderful – thank you so much for taking the time to put this together, it’s so illuminating and I love hearing about how others’ approach these questions. I’m now eager to check out all of their writing – all of them have intriguing sounding newsletters.
I’m sat here on a Sunday early afternoon, partying hard with a coffee (black, no sugar – a simple resolution that changed my life for the better many years ago); I’ll party a bit ‘harder’ this evening with some wine, to hopefully celebrate a productive day (whatever that means).
A few thoughts on the other contributors:
* Emily: this take on goals is so refreshing and very Burkeman-esque (notably in The Antidote). I love the use of ‘malleable’ to describe how goals can and should change. I’m not a fan of goals in general, especially of the SMART variety (which our good friend Oliver also dislikes).
* Heidi: I admire this approach, and it’s not something I’ve been able to do, but it’s also that I haven’t really tried it. My lists and reminders are a chaotic mess, jotted down nonchalantly on slips of paper only to be lost. I still come across to-do lists from two years ago (!) with fairly ‘important’ things I never got round to. So this ‘golden notebook’ idea is one I shall explore, and read all about to see if it might work with me.
* Leanne: there is so much power in that ‘anticipatory brain rush’ and what I really love is the comment about ‘staying fully present’ and not ‘future thinking.’ I struggle mightily with just enjoying the moment in the present. If it’s a lovely day and I’m going for a walk, instead of just letting go and appreciating it, I lament the fact that I might not have a chance to do this again for a while, or what if the weather isn’t so nice the next time I have time for a walk, or why I can’t I just enjoy and soak up this lovely café instead of wondering if I’ll be able to come back or find a similarly cosy place…
* Barry: The unexpected interruptions do the same to me, get me ‘churning and agitated.’ Unfortunately, so far, I struggle to get back to work after an interruption. It lingers and I have trouble accepting it and moving on, returning to what I was doing. I start nervously looking at the clock, wondering why the minutes are moving like seconds. This, more than anything else, is what I need to work on the most.
* Alice: yes, the phone! Here’s my dilemma – I hate using phones in general. And I despise being called. I always tell me ex-wife (we still live together) NOT to phone unless it’s life or death (the same goes for when I’m working and have headphones on – that’s the signal not to interrupt me). I don’t want this to turn into a rant against my ex (haha), but the message never gets through and there are frequent calls, and they are NEVER important. Please, I beg, send a text, and I swear I’ll check it every 30 minutes during my own breaks. But no…
(as for turning my phone off – my elderly parents will send messages, and my in-laws who live locally impatiently send texts, plus my daughter’s school will send messages or call, so I can’t).
It’s this term that really nails the issue for me: 'anticipatory' distraction’. I love that (the term, not the feeling!). This is EXACTLY it. The constant fear of being distracted. I crave a desk, a workspace, somewhere where I can be left alone, at least while my daughter is at school. I compare it to being a surgeon – if they’re in the middle of a 7 hour operation, they cannot be disturbed. Why can’t I have a similar situation? I don’t think it’s an outlandish request.
Like Alice, I need to get more done in shorter windows, when the time permits, but when I’m writing, I love big chunks of time. I’m inefficient, generally, but productive overall. I can faff about without disruptions for 3-4 hours and then churn out a great chapter in an hour, and I’m happy with that. Shorter windows? Much harder.
(Goodness, I could turn my comments into their own post!)
Also if it makes you feel any better, I think OB moved from Brooklyn to a small village in the UK. Now he's taking long walks on the moors. (I'm guessing that's a daydream many of us share!) When I heard him talk about if it made a difference, he said it really did. In some ways, it's a superficial change and it would be easy to think doing something so bold would make everything easier, but in other ways it's a deeper change that actually did change the rhythms and expectations that surround his days. It felt like an honest answer.
Yes, but when I think of the big changes that made my life "better," I also see an effect where the change raises your happiness, but then that just becomes part of your baseline and it's hard to "see" how it makes your life any better. I think he talks about that early on in the book when he talks about comparing your day with a day where you didn't get out of bed at all...
Good point! And I really do believe there are multiple ways to be happy (or unhappy). It’s not like there’s a right or wrong answer to “Where should I live?” (or any other big question like that).
I think I compare moving somewhere quiet and isolated as a solution, to OB's take on that never-ending to-do list. We're never going to reach a point when everything is done, when we can finally relax, sigh and say 'ahhh, that's better, now that everything is done, I can finally do what I want to do.' We have to face that fact that moments like that are unlikely to come.
That's what I think of when I think moving somewhere I long to be might allow me to reach a point where I can say that things are 'better'. I like Marika's point about it becoming part of your baseline. New environment, new parameters, new benchmarks, same old issues resurfacing.
OB has enough humility to drop in references to his own therapy, and he doesn't hide the fact that we're all winging it and muddling along and we'll never get any clear answers. I suppose that's the 'fun' of it all?
I felt the same way. Reading all these personal takes on these big ideas was so inspiring.
I've been using my "golden notebook" for a few years now, and it's really helped me capture all the ideas (important or not) in one place. I don't worry that I might forget something or miss something, now that I know they're all in the possibilities section or now section of my notebook. If my sticky notes are out of reach, I set a reminder or email myself to add something to my notebook, but eventually it all goes in one place.
Oh my goodness, YOU ARE MY PEOPLE! Thank you for hosting this conversation, Marika. I found so much wisdom in all these layered, very human answers. It's also really comforting to know we're all muddling through together, doing our best to apply these ideas to our lives in small, imperfect ways.
Yes! That's just it. We're the muddler-through-ers! It's so fun to read all the responses all together. And yes, to see that we're all always making some progress then sliding back a bit... beginning by accepting defeat.😉
what a wise helpful discussion!!
Marika, this is wonderful – thank you so much for taking the time to put this together, it’s so illuminating and I love hearing about how others’ approach these questions. I’m now eager to check out all of their writing – all of them have intriguing sounding newsletters.
I’m sat here on a Sunday early afternoon, partying hard with a coffee (black, no sugar – a simple resolution that changed my life for the better many years ago); I’ll party a bit ‘harder’ this evening with some wine, to hopefully celebrate a productive day (whatever that means).
A few thoughts on the other contributors:
* Emily: this take on goals is so refreshing and very Burkeman-esque (notably in The Antidote). I love the use of ‘malleable’ to describe how goals can and should change. I’m not a fan of goals in general, especially of the SMART variety (which our good friend Oliver also dislikes).
* Heidi: I admire this approach, and it’s not something I’ve been able to do, but it’s also that I haven’t really tried it. My lists and reminders are a chaotic mess, jotted down nonchalantly on slips of paper only to be lost. I still come across to-do lists from two years ago (!) with fairly ‘important’ things I never got round to. So this ‘golden notebook’ idea is one I shall explore, and read all about to see if it might work with me.
* Leanne: there is so much power in that ‘anticipatory brain rush’ and what I really love is the comment about ‘staying fully present’ and not ‘future thinking.’ I struggle mightily with just enjoying the moment in the present. If it’s a lovely day and I’m going for a walk, instead of just letting go and appreciating it, I lament the fact that I might not have a chance to do this again for a while, or what if the weather isn’t so nice the next time I have time for a walk, or why I can’t I just enjoy and soak up this lovely café instead of wondering if I’ll be able to come back or find a similarly cosy place…
* Barry: The unexpected interruptions do the same to me, get me ‘churning and agitated.’ Unfortunately, so far, I struggle to get back to work after an interruption. It lingers and I have trouble accepting it and moving on, returning to what I was doing. I start nervously looking at the clock, wondering why the minutes are moving like seconds. This, more than anything else, is what I need to work on the most.
* Alice: yes, the phone! Here’s my dilemma – I hate using phones in general. And I despise being called. I always tell me ex-wife (we still live together) NOT to phone unless it’s life or death (the same goes for when I’m working and have headphones on – that’s the signal not to interrupt me). I don’t want this to turn into a rant against my ex (haha), but the message never gets through and there are frequent calls, and they are NEVER important. Please, I beg, send a text, and I swear I’ll check it every 30 minutes during my own breaks. But no…
(as for turning my phone off – my elderly parents will send messages, and my in-laws who live locally impatiently send texts, plus my daughter’s school will send messages or call, so I can’t).
It’s this term that really nails the issue for me: 'anticipatory' distraction’. I love that (the term, not the feeling!). This is EXACTLY it. The constant fear of being distracted. I crave a desk, a workspace, somewhere where I can be left alone, at least while my daughter is at school. I compare it to being a surgeon – if they’re in the middle of a 7 hour operation, they cannot be disturbed. Why can’t I have a similar situation? I don’t think it’s an outlandish request.
Like Alice, I need to get more done in shorter windows, when the time permits, but when I’m writing, I love big chunks of time. I’m inefficient, generally, but productive overall. I can faff about without disruptions for 3-4 hours and then churn out a great chapter in an hour, and I’m happy with that. Shorter windows? Much harder.
(Goodness, I could turn my comments into their own post!)
Also if it makes you feel any better, I think OB moved from Brooklyn to a small village in the UK. Now he's taking long walks on the moors. (I'm guessing that's a daydream many of us share!) When I heard him talk about if it made a difference, he said it really did. In some ways, it's a superficial change and it would be easy to think doing something so bold would make everything easier, but in other ways it's a deeper change that actually did change the rhythms and expectations that surround his days. It felt like an honest answer.
Yes, but when I think of the big changes that made my life "better," I also see an effect where the change raises your happiness, but then that just becomes part of your baseline and it's hard to "see" how it makes your life any better. I think he talks about that early on in the book when he talks about comparing your day with a day where you didn't get out of bed at all...
Good point! And I really do believe there are multiple ways to be happy (or unhappy). It’s not like there’s a right or wrong answer to “Where should I live?” (or any other big question like that).
I think I compare moving somewhere quiet and isolated as a solution, to OB's take on that never-ending to-do list. We're never going to reach a point when everything is done, when we can finally relax, sigh and say 'ahhh, that's better, now that everything is done, I can finally do what I want to do.' We have to face that fact that moments like that are unlikely to come.
That's what I think of when I think moving somewhere I long to be might allow me to reach a point where I can say that things are 'better'. I like Marika's point about it becoming part of your baseline. New environment, new parameters, new benchmarks, same old issues resurfacing.
OB has enough humility to drop in references to his own therapy, and he doesn't hide the fact that we're all winging it and muddling along and we'll never get any clear answers. I suppose that's the 'fun' of it all?
That totally makes sense. It does help a little to call it “fun” 😂
I felt the same way. Reading all these personal takes on these big ideas was so inspiring.
I've been using my "golden notebook" for a few years now, and it's really helped me capture all the ideas (important or not) in one place. I don't worry that I might forget something or miss something, now that I know they're all in the possibilities section or now section of my notebook. If my sticky notes are out of reach, I set a reminder or email myself to add something to my notebook, but eventually it all goes in one place.
I often write at the top of my to-do list "To Possibly Do". And now I add, "if I want"... :)
💃
Great format and what a genius idea. Well-done
Ah thank you so much Jana! Glad you enjoyed. :)